


In Shitty Sidequests Veritas

by Cephied_Variable, MadSeason (naive_wanderer)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-18
Updated: 2011-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-22 18:52:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cephied_Variable/pseuds/Cephied_Variable, https://archiveofourown.org/users/naive_wanderer/pseuds/MadSeason
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Terezi do a shitty sidequest and experience the Dark Nak of their Soul.</p><p>Written for the <a href="http://livejournal.com/~hs-olympics">Homestuck Shipping Olympics 2011</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Shitty Sidequests Veritas

**Author's Note:**

> This fic placed first in [Round One](http://hso-r1.livejournal.com/profile) of the HSO. Thank you, everyone who voted for us.
> 
> For those of you not participating in the Olympics, I recommend you check out all the entries because they are excellent.
> 
> Art is by [MadSeason](http://madseason.tumblr.com)!

CG: UNTIL WE CONTACT YOU I SUGGEST YOU DO SOMETHING MORE PRODUCTIVE WITH YOUR TIME.  
GC: L1K3 WH4T? >:T  
CG: I DON’T EVEN CARE AT THIS POINT.  
CG: DO A FUCKING SIDE-QUEST OR SOMETHING

Your name is Dave Strider and it’s at this point that the apeshit bonkers troll girl you were dumb enough to let accompany you on the last leg of your little time and space journey through the end of the universe turns to look at you with what can only be described as a predatory grin.

no  
nope  
absolute no like absolute zero  
the levels of no cant be measured in the fuckin metric system even  
minus fifty eight kelvins of fuck off

  


 

So you do a side-quest.

You take a side-quest from some hulking, three headed bird-lion-snake looking motherfucker who speaks almost entirely in naks because the universe is awful. It’s not even irony, this is just plain stupid. Terezi laughs the whole goddamn time.

You take the sidequest because your patron troll told you to and you’re totally all up for trusting this chick again after all those awesome things she did last time around to earn your confidence like some sort of accredited trust expert with a doctorate degree in honesty and conviction with a double minor in faith and accountability, that’s Terezi Pyrope in a nutshell.

Your quest goes something like:

  
**THOU MUST NAKIGATE THE NAKIRYNTHE OF NAKHONESTY IN ORDER TO NAKERSTAND THE TRUE AND NAKS OF YOUR LOCKED BOX OF NAKKING NAKS.**

 **  
**

At that point you wanted to die so you didn’t pay attention to the rest. Something about truth in riddles and pure of Nak princess purity bullcrap. The two of you cut your way easily through the Nakirynthe, cavalier and casual with minimal sweat broken and it’s not until a magical door asks you your name and you try to say ‘D. Piddy’ but instead you answer ‘David Strider’ not even _Dave_ but _David_ like you’re some eighteenth century fop trying to get laid with your best John Donne impression that you realize something is wrong.

okay what the fuck  
you knew about this didnt you  
i mean okay i am only making a base assumption here that you were privy to this bullshit  
no way to verify this crap  
but im basing it on the fact that this seems like something you would do  
being that you are a tricky person  
who is all up with invasive trickery and  
mind  
games what the fuck

D4V3 1 4M TORN B3TW33N B31NG 1NSULT3D TH4T YOU TH1NK 1 4M  
“4 TR1CKY P3RSON”  
WHO DO3S “TRICKERY”?  
4ND B31NG WORR13D TH4T YOU 4R3 SP34K1NG V3RY STR4NG3LY!

terezi  
i am only going to say this once so listen up  
this is not the sickest rhyme i will ever lay down  
but it is  
... relevant  
to the... current  
topic of...  
conversation

>:?

terezi this sidequest is stupid

OOOOH  
OH!  
H4H4H4H4 

  


1TS 4 F1GUR3 OF SP33CH D4V3!  
1 “S33” TH4T DU3 TO TH3 P4R4M3TR3S OF YOUR S1D3QU3ST PR3V3NTS YOU FROM SP34K1NG 1N UNTRUTHS

ding ding ding oh my god tz youre a fucking genius

D3SP1T3 WH4T 1 C4N ONLY 1M4G1N3 TO B3 S4RC4SM 1NH3R3NT 1N YOUR WORDS  
1F YOU W3R3 4BL3 TO S4Y TH3M TH3Y MUST B3 TRU3  
SO TH4NK YOU >;]

fuck

DONT P4N1C D4V3

who said i was panicking  
just because i am panicking doesnt mean anyone said i  
godfucking dammnit

D4V3 TH1S 1S NOT 4 CR1S1S  
TH1S 1S WHY YOU H4V3 M3 4ROUND H3H3H3 >;]

what to creep me the fuck out  
to make me second guess all my motivations and roll my eyes so hard they fall out of my head like dried up testicles  
to get me killed again

1S TH4T HOW YOU R34LLY F33L?

oh gee seeing as i cant lie right now and im saying it i guess so

>:T  
1 UND3RST4ND TH4T B31NG OBST1N4T3 1S JUST HOW YOU 4R3 SO 1 W1LL F1ND 1T 1N MY H34RT TO H3LP YOU OUT 4NYW4Y  
1 W1LL B3 YOUR NOS3  
YOUR 34RS  
4ND MOST 1MPORT4NTLY YOUR L13S >:]  
D4V3 4R3 YOU OK4Y W1TH TH1S 4RR4NG3M3NT?

yes absolute  
god  
damn  
it

>:D

 

  


no way  
no way is there a technique to lying you are making that up

>:[

to make what you do sound special  
instead of it being kind of jacked up and morally questionable  
jacked up? seriously

D4V3 1TS 4CTU4LLY V3RY CH4RM1NG HOW L1M1T3D YOUR VOC4BUL4RY 1S WH3N YOU 4R3 1NC4P4BL3 OF US1NG 1T FOR COLOURFUL M3T4PHORS

yeah why do you think that is

W3LL 1TS JUST 4 GU3SS BUT 1D S4Y TH4T TH3 G4M3 H4S CORR3CTLY 1D3NT1F13D YOUR FL4GR4NT 4BUS3 OF RUN ON S3NT3NC3S 4ND PROVOC4T1V3 1M4GR3Y  
4S 4 FORM OF LY1NG >:]

that is some bullshit semantics if i ever heard it  
like poets are the worlds greatest liars with their lovely words  
as if people cant tell the difference between picture words and real life  
fuck that

NO D4V3 >:[  
TH3 G4M3 H4S F1GUR3D OUT TH4T YOU US3 WORDS TO D3FL3CT YOUR P3RSON4L 1SSU3S  
1TS 1ND1R3CT LY1NG 4ND YOU H4V3 B33N BUST3D FOR COM1ITT1NG 1T 1N TH3 F1RST D3GR33 H3H3H3H3

oh god youre beginning to sound like rose  
and thats a whole can of issues id rather leave dented and gaseous in the back of the pantry

>:?

yeah hey so werent we talking about you and your totally boss professional level lying skills  
dishonesty 101 class is now in session ready your knives for those inviting backslots cause thatll be on the exam

W3LL 1F YOU 4R3 SO 1NT3R3ST3D.......

sure i know how you love it when i actually pay attention to y  
i mean

1 DO 4PP3C14T3 4 R4PT 4UD13NC3 >;]  
4ND 1TS R4R3 COM1NG FROM YOU >:T

not really  
...........

>:o

...........  
what i mean was i usually  
pay attention to you  
a  
fuck  
a lot of attention like  
you can totally call that shit rapt  
but only because i cant think of a better synonym because apparently expanding my artistic boundaries here is dishonest as all get out

D4V3....

how about we play a game  
where we pretend dave isnt saying shit and anything coming out of my mouth is serendipitous as one thousand babboons shitting out shakespeare

*S111111GN* WH4T3V3R YOUU S4Y  
(3V3N THOUGH 1M F41RLY C3RT41N PR3T3ND1NG 1S LY1NG!)

so about terezi

YOU R34LLY 4R3 1NT3R3ST3D!

bzzt wrong answer actually were not talking about dave anymore  
if i just say yes will you stop  
and just get on with it

  


D4V3 TH3 TH1NG 4BOUT LY1NG TH4T YOU N3V3R UND3RSTOOD 1S TH4T 1T MUST B3 P3PP3R3D L1GHTLY OV3R YOUR WORDS  
YOU SL4TH3R 1T L1K3 CH34P GRUBS4UC3  
1NST34D OF L1GHTLY 4PPLY1NG 4 PL34S1NG SP1C3 YOU 4R3 DROWN1NG OUT TH3 FL4VOUR OF YOU L4RV4FR13S

quick question  
is there anything in your society that is not made out of dead babies

WH4T 3LS3 WOULD W3 DO W1TH TH3M?

right just checking

MY PO1NT 1S TH4T LY1NG 1S 4 P3RC1S3 4RT

  


TH1S STUP1D S1D3QU3ST GOT M3 TOO!

what like a delayed reaction or something

NO  
1T TOOK LONG3R FOR M3 TO NOT1C3 B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 DO NOT STR1V3 TO B3 TH3 UN1V3RS3S MOST TR4G1C4LLY TR4NSP4R3NT UNTRUTH M4CH1N3

i am not transparent

YOU 4R3 4 TH1N L4Y3R OF SOPOR S1LK SPUN C3LLOPH4N3 4ND 4NY SUCC3SSFUL M1SD1R3CT1ON ON YOUR P4RT 1S 4 FLUK3 OF D1STR4CT1ON ON 4CCOUNT OF YOUR 1NCR3D1BLY UNPL34S4NT P3RSON4L1TY QU1RKS

okay wow this is getting a little personal tz  
and a little  
hurtful?

H4H4H4 D4V3 1 THOUGHT TH4T YOU W3R3 4 STONY STON3 ST4TU3SQU3 1M4G3 OF UNBOTH3R3D 4T 4LL T1M3S BLUH BLUH PURS3D L1PS 1MMUN3 TO TH3 4LLUR3S OF CRYPTOBULG3 OR WH4T3V3R 1T 1S YOU S41D

no i just say that shit  
all the time

1 KNOW YOU DO! 1T 1NFUR14T3S M3 B3C4US3 1T WORKS!

terezi can you just calm down for a second here

NOP3!

because this is kind of mad hypocritical

YES!

the way you were all condescending to me about this

1 KNOW!

and now youre kind of flipping tables  
even though there are no tables here so i guess you arent actually flipping them at all  
but if you were in the position to do so  
youd probably being doing an acrobatic pirouette off the handle

1 COULD D3F1N1T3LY 4CCOMPL1SH TH4T G1V3N TH3 CH4NC3!

so why dont we both just do the best thing possible

WH4T?

and shut up for a few minutes  
or hours  
or forever

..........  
D4V3 TH4T 1S TH3 F1RST GOOD 1D34 YOU H4V3 S1NC3 1V3 M3T YOU!

i know

 

  


The act of shutting up is harder than it looks. Physically, it’s a breeze. Snap your puckers together and swallow it down, kid. Swallow pain, sadness and fear and all your smart ass comments. You catch yourself wanting to make some sort of sardonic comment about the way Terezi fights like about how she doesn’t even need a blade really because are those supposed to be elbows? You’re pretty sure you could find a few creative things to say about her elbows but now that you’re censoring your speech like martial law in a third world country you’re second guessing your motivations. Why the fuck are you even staring at her horrible elbows? What the fuck is compelling you to comment on them? Why do you feel like if you opened your mouth to say anything now all that would come out is a strangled _“daaaamn girl”_ because you don’t want those things anywhere near you. 

She’s pouting as she cuts through a wall of fire-ivy, kneading her lips with her pointy teeth, which are equally as horrible as her elbows.

  


yeah im really not actually excited about the way you got us lost in some retarded maze with this kooky magic spell preventing me from saying shit the way i mean to say it  
i mean its not the worst shit youve done to me pyrope  
but its up there

TH4TS WH4T 1 M34N  
YOU KNOW D4V3 1 H4V3 L13D TO YOU 1N TH3 P4ST 4ND YOUV3 B33N PR3TTY UPS3T  
YOU H4V3 4 CH4NC3 TO 4SK M3 4BOUT 4LL TH4T NOW

  


You aren’t really sure how to respond to that without sounding like a complete knob. Being strong-armed into whispering nothing but the most sincere truths is a little bit like what you imagine it’s like to be John Egbert. All knob all the time. Terezi gives you a really watery look but the effect is ruined by the way she’s sniffling at you furtively, nose making the death whistle like an aged cocaine addict in winter.

Okay, to be completely ha ha honest it’s nothing like that. You don’t even know what winter’s like except that apparently Jade’s world was full of it.

door

HUHN? WH4T DO YOU M34N “DOOR”?

i mean theres a door dumpass

All nestled away in the redbrick and curling vines is a rounded little door like a perfect fairy tale entrance to Wonderland. 

There’s a riddle written on it.

oh youve got to be kidding me

Terezi braces her hands haltingly on the surface of the door and licks up the words.

  


i mean if that were any less clear itd be an opaque object

1TS 4 R1DDL3 D4V3  
TH3 M34N1NG 1SNT M34NT TO B3 1MM3D14T3LY CL34R

uh duh

W3LL TH1NK 4BOUT 1T!  
TH3 4NSW3R 1S PROB4BLY TH3 K3Y TO G3TT1NG THROUGH TH1S DOOR

sure ok  
things that remain in the absence of lovers:  
easy  
venereal diseases

>:T  
DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK TH4TS TH3 4NSW3R?

no but it felt awesome to say

Terezi is taking this way more seriously than you. You realize with an odd sort of soberness that this might suck more for her than it does for you and you - for the first time in your life - kind of wish you had a mini-pocket Rose to give you some bullshit theory on what, exactly, that means. Suddenly, she snaps her fingers.

R3GR3T

what

TH3 4NSW3R 1S R3GR3T!

As if in agreement, the door begins to glow faintly. Terezi smiles in concert with the growing light, but it’s not a pleased smile. It’s not even her usual shark-with-the-scent-of-blood gash. This grin is wide, unreadable and unsettling.

  


Fuck.

Abscond. Abscond.

you first

 

  


Terezi Pyrope lists for you her regrets. Hands clenched tightly around her cane and face downcast she starts - haltingly - at the beginning.

1 R3GR3T G3TT1NG YOUR FR13NDS K1LL3D 1N TH4T 4LT3RN4T3 T1M3L1N3

hey the doors still closed  
not good enough

1 R3GR3T G3TT1NG TH4T OTH3R YOU K1LL3D 1N TH1S T1M3L1N3?

nope

1 DO THOUGH.....

not enough apparently

  


The door cracks open halfway, spilling light into the rust-shadows of the Nakirynthe. Terezi’s eyelashes flutter, catching the brightness.

  


WH4T!? >:?

wow i really regret saying that  
i meant fuck that was a beautiful thing you said  
about spiderbitch  
sorry i implied you wanted to be a hate lesbian with her i guess  
anyways the door looks open

NOT Y3T. YOU H4V3 TO S4Y WH4T YOU R3GR3T MOST 4S W3LL

nah were thin enough to fit through  
just gotta flip ourselves turnways  
the mechanics of it arent that complicated tz come on

You move to enter but she grabs your arm. The thing is: she really is beautiful in this light. The red shadows pool under her cut-glass cheekbones and her eyes are kind of glittering like a hologram decal, like a comic book cover from the mid-nineties.

D4V3 WH4T DO YOU MOST R3GR3T?

 

  


First you tell her _“fuck this, everything”_ because it’s true, but the door doesn’t budge. Terezi fucking Pyrope just digs her nails into your flesh, not enough to puncture but hard enough that they sting and indent. Second, you tell her, _“i regret saying beautiful i shoulda said hot because it makes it sound less like im here composing a sonnet to your terrifying but also weirdly attractive jagged edges and more like i was maybe just passively checking out your ass which isnt true terezi i was looking at your eyelashes but at least it would have been normal”._

She gives you a weird sideways look at that but she doesn’t move and neither does the door.

The third time you open your mouth it comes out.

All the words about

  


“Oh,” Terezi says softly like she’s not really surprised. The door creaks open and she gently tugs you in by the wrist. Inside there is a single, gilded pillar with a steaming chalice on it and it’s all so very Lord of the Ravenholdt Drow Prince Dragon Rings that you actually don’t want to think about how many girl chubbies Rose would pop hanging out here because the mental stress isn’t worth the mathematical theorizing. You’d have to invent a whole new equation just to calculate it.

Terezi lifts the chalice to her lips and drinks and you watch the liquid glub glub down her elegantly narrow throat. She hands it to you, but you don’t take it.

so considering that on the scale of stupid ideas youve had  
this is the dial on fourteen  
can we maybe just pretend none of this ever happened

BUT D4V3  
PR3T3ND1NG 1S LY1NG >;)

yeah but im assuming once i drink that arthurian goblet of dry ice im cured of that nonsense  
so i want your assurance now

4 F4T4L FL4W 1N YOUR PL4N  
1 4LR34DY DR4NK FROM TH3 CH4L1C3  
1 4M CUR3D OF TH3 T3RR1BL3 D1S34S3 KNOWN 4S TRUTH

oh  
i didnt think that through very well did i

DONT WORRY 1 4M NOT OFF3ND3D BY YOUR TYP1C4L 1N4B1L1TY TO PL4N MOR3 TH3N F1V3 S3CONDS 1NTO TH3 FUTUR3

fine then ima do a risky thing here  
and only because my head feels weird due to all this intense brothers grimm atmosphere  
terezi pyrope  
im going to take you for your word

She looks even more surprised than you thought she would. The chalice clatters to the ground when she moves but you don’t have enough time to mourn the loss of your salvation because her cold hands circle your collarbones with just enough sudden and lingering desire for you to register the kiss before it happens.

You’d like to think that your normal reaction would be an ultra slick abscond or maybe a chivalrous shove as you adjusted your shades and let her know you have too many ladies and not enough time but the honest reaction is apparently to slide your ams around her lower back and yank her closer so that her teeth cut your mouth.

  


It’s right about then that pesterchum dings to life almost blindingly on the ass end of your shades. Terezi springs back and so do you at the sight of Karkat’s ornery capslocks.

  


CG: HA HA  
CG: AS MUCH AS I RELISH THE IMAGE OF YOU TWO MASHING YOUR LIPS TOGETHER LIKE GRUBS BEING GROUND INTO CRAYON PASTE  
CG: RELISH IN THE PIT OF MY VOMIT SACK I MEAN  
CG: SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE YOU?  
GC: W3R3 DO1NG 4 S1D3QU3ST K4RK4T  
GC: JUST L1K3 YOU SUGG3ST3D >:]  
CG: TEREZI. PERHAPS I WAS BEING TOO OBVIOUS. I KNOW HOW IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO DISCERN THE TRUE MEANING OF ANYTHING UNLESS IT’S WRAPPED UNDER SEVERAL LAYERS OF SUBTERFUGE AND MISDIRECTION SO THIS MIGHT COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU BUT  
CG: I WAS NOT BEING SERIOUS  
GC: TOO L4T3, W3 4LR3DY H4D FUN  
GC: NOTH1NG YOU C4N DO 4BOUT 1T NOW HEHEHE >:]  
TG: “fun”  
CG: WHATEVER. AS LONG AS YOU’RE FINISHED YOU MIGHT WANT TO CATCH UP WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS AND COME MEET US AT THE RENDEZVOUS POINT.  
CG: I MEAN IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S THE END OF THE UNIVERSE OR ANYTHING.  
CG: OH, WAIT.

You stare at Terezi in the magical light that magically makes her attractive for a few minutes, silently and awkwardly. Then you stare at the chalice with its contents spilt and evaporated.

terezi  
i cannot fucking believe you dropped the cup filled with sweet lie juice  
what am i supposed to do now

She just laughs and laughs and laughs.


End file.
